The last days I would call normal, as normal as it gets.
I make a cup of tea, sit down by the fireplace and decide to write un update.
Tears start falling, really, normal? What is that. I do not think anything will ever again become normal.
Jacob has been able to attend school, he is excited, so full of life. the last two evenings he has been reading before bed, small easy books, it makes him so proud, he reads them to me and Simon.
He has been out of school a lot, needs extra tutoring, needs extra support from me. We are behind on reading and homework. In the ideal world I would have the energy to do everything, now everything is an effort.
We are grateful for the help we get, without it I do not know how we would manage, honestly we wouldn’t.
Today at school pick up Jacob comes with tears in his eyes, I as him what happened and he says they are having a pajamas party tomorrow and he will miss that as we are going to the hospital. I told him our appointment is in the afternoon so he will go to school. And his face starts glowing, but then he say. “I do not want to go to the hospital any more.”
I feel the same my love…
Today is the day before a appointment, as always I start feeling the anxiety in my body, so many days without clinic visits, life comes back. At the hospital the illness gets so real, so cold. I can’t hide from it.
These days I can find myself pretending everything is normal, for a few seconds, life is like I imagined it, but only for seconds. Then I see something that wakes me up from my daydream, Jacobs bald head, his pale face, a scar, the box of medicines, the air filters, the sanitizers, my new reality.
There are moments I know there is a reason or I try to find one, and there are moments of darkness, when I just wish my little boy was that ordinary 6 year old, with the experiences of life a little boy is supposed to have, and not a cancer patient.